//here i worked on my story more//
The Other Way Out
We think we rule ourselves. But we sadly don’t. At least that’s how I found it out. Think of the last time you tried to mutilate yourself? When is the last time you really had a talk with your family? What about when is the last time you didn’t cut yourself? You are a helpless being. There’s no way out. Yet- stay alive for a longer time. Stay to see what comes next, what comes after. If not look under your bed for that 44 Caliber.
PART ONE
As she walks into the room, wondering, peering, fearing tucking a t-shirt in her jeans. Carson looks at her alarm clock sitting by her bed. 7:00 “Great! No time again!!!” as she screams. “Lovely just what I need” she looks into her mirror, “ok lets go Carson… time for another round.” While saying this sister yells she is taking a shower. Carson pulls a purse out from her bed. And a bucket full of liquid. As she starts down her steps she heads towards the bathroom and turns the sink on. Telling her sister she is brushing her teeth. Carson pours the bucket down and the liquid of blood runs down the drain. Blood from the night before of a girl who didn’t know who she was. A girl with no right intentions just cruel evil minds. Her sister tells her to hurry and Carson runs out with the bucket. Faster, she runs down the steps and wishes for all the blood to go down the drain. Carson walks through the kitchen and cleans the bucket out with bleach and hot water. The smell of blood rises into the heat of the water. She leaves the house with a sewing kit in her pocket and her backpack. As she walks out she sees her bus and it picks her up. “Good morning Carson” the driver says.
As Carson walks off her bus she takes her cell phone and calls a number programmed into her phone. Her friend Libby walks up to her, “hey loser what sup.” “Not now Libby” Carson pulls away. Carson starts to talk on the phone… “35$?! What!? It wasn’t that before?” “Carson who you talking to?” Libby asks. “My dealer Libby if you really want to know.” Libby scuffs Carson off and leaves to her other friends. Carson leaves and walks to the bathroom. She knocks on the doors and pulls out a cigarette. Lighting it with a gun looking lighter from a cheap thrift store. She turns and looks into the long mirror… “So Carson, how does it feel to feel UN needed?” she hears the bell ring and she puts the cigarette out with her wrist. Wincing she turns and takes her note books out. Rushing up the steps to her locker she sees the guy she loves if only he knew. He’s the only thing that brightens her life. She turns and smiles at him and he looks back. Mysteriousness is in him. She walks into her homeroom. Takes out the pen and notebook. Writing her poems. “purple lip locks and over rode parents will make your life screw’s while you are in the bathroom with IV in your arm and small slits of love in your wrists letting it all pour out onto the floor with wrestled mirrors in the garbage, let it out let it out c’mon I wont tell anyone” after she is done she lays her head down and dozes into another nightmare. This time she wishes she didn’t wake up.
9:35 bell rings. Carson wakes up and leads on to her next class… “Math this will be fun” she says, “another day of parties and food” Carson lifts the lock of her locker and books fall out among her feet. “Ha funny” she whispers. Walking into her room she looks at the clock and reads it is 9:40. Not enough time to visit the bathroom. Next time she sighs. Looking at the outfit she picked today, a black insane clown posse shirt, jeans, vans, and a black long under her T. “Class hand in your homework from last night” the teacher asks. Carson never forgot her homework. Best student so far. “I sit here a work, I sit here and approach, I sit here and look, I sit here and suffer… I am learning how to suffer. Everyone looks and sees Carson has her homework again. “Gees Carson you are such a teachers pet.”
Carson starts to think of all the stupid things this kid does in class. What a retard she thinks. It comes to lunch and all her friends are talking about a different subject, boys, girls being mean, and gossip. Carson sits with her book staring into nothing. The world turning so fast in front of her eyes. “Let’s go get some pot from Jimmy” a boy whispers to her…… “Huh?! What… umm no.”
Carson steps off the bus from school. She walks into the park. Standing at the creek. Looking into the black water.
“Spin the Bullet
& hope it drills
Through the bottom of
My bleeding heart
Let it drip,
Let it slide,
Let it stick into your side
Take a closer look
See the lines in me
Father you never knew me
Mom you never understood me
Stick it in your
Mouth and make it hurt
Spin the Bullet
& hope it drills
Through the bottom of
My bleeding heart
Now I am broken and
I just want to bleed.”
She keeps singing her song into the dark night. Starting to rain she looks up into the sky. She feels so peaceful there. Yet she feels helpless. Pulling out a pen she sits on a rock and writes… “These stones move like a river in the darkest valleys…” Carson becoming angry with her work yells and stabs the pen into her arm. “God! Man… why……” Sobbing, Carson turns behind a bridge and reads the writing on the wall above of her two friends and herself. “Let them take us back” she reads again. “Take me… back now!” Carson cries. Walking back to her house her mother coming behind her from work. Carson races up to her room. Turns on her computer and listens to music. Turns on AIM and talks to her people. Her mother comes up and tells her to get off. “Why?” she asks “because I said so” her mother yells. “Gay, wow that’s a great reason” Carson slams the door and starts playing her guitar. Angry vibrations come through it. “Hell I suck at suicide && I am no good with knives....... && love” her song keeps playing. Falling asleep she turns her amp off and her alarm clock on.
Ring!!!! Ring!!! Alarm clock turning its awful sound to her ears. “yeh this is great” Carson laughs…haha Yeh School... Ha-ha” she becomes psychotic. Walking with her black hair down rambles into the bathroom. She falls while opening the cabinet. “Where… are you?” she lifts open a pill container. Her Anti-Depressants, as she pops 1 in her mouth she looks into the mirror, bags under her eyes. She decides to take down 5 more. Sooner she takes half more of the pills. Laughing harder she falls to the ground and cuts her arm on the broken pipe her father never fixed. Her arm bleeds while she gets back up to fall again. She grabs a glass and smashes it to the ground. Taking a sharp piece she lefts her arm and starts carving “other ways out” into her arm. Falling the glass digs deeper into her arm. Letting out a laugh she backs up into the tub. She stumbles her laugh. She try’s to stand up again. Dropping the glass she looks at her bleeding arm from the pipe. She takes a towel and puts pressure to it. Falls to the ground again…
“Call Me a Liar and and get oVer With Your Stupid Love Song aNd call Me Up whEn You wanna See me choke on your words of sweet nothing.” Carson sings in her bed at the hospital. month has passed since she has came back from coma. “Carson, please wake up” her mother says. “mom? Is that you?” Carson wakes up back in her house. Her room filled with flowers. And her bathroom empty of sharp objects and her anti- depressants gone. She starts to remember what she did. “Carson…what did you do?” She looks into her wall filled with posters. She looks deeper and falls into a dark hole. Falling into another daze she takes her IV of blood out of her wrist. She takes off her medical bracelet. She looks at her mirror. And looks at the reflection. She remembers the door behind her bed. She takes a poster off the wall. Opens a door carved fro ma knife. Inside the door is a knife a bottle of acid and pills. Any kind off pill anything Carson can sniff of overdose on, also a thin piece of glass lays in a box. She save it for times in need. Taking the pills she takes the knife and cuts them up. The knife is too big for the pills so she finds a nail filer and crushed it up. Next a safety pin. Taking the glass she turns the dust into a thin line 10 inches long. Carson leans her head down to the table and sniffs the pills up hard. “ah.. hahaha great.” Carson says again and again. Carson’smother isn’t in town longer. A note left on her door says “ Dear Carson… I cannot live with you longer. I cannot deal with you make it out on your own terms. I love you very much. Love always mom” Carson tears the letter in pieces and falls to her bed. Laying there she thinks of her mom. Hours later she walks down stairs and finds the house empty. The door opens with papers gusting along. “This must be the way out for mom…” Carson lifts her arms out. And looks at the scars. “pretty me”
“Depression is what gets me Libby.” “I can’t help it!” Carson cries. Libby is with Carson they became orphans together and live in the subways. “Carson I am leaving town for awhile… the dealer is upset I can’t be found.” Carson sees her love from high school walking towards a blonde girl with a dog. Carson runs behind a wall. Watching them greet each other. She watches and thinks of the girl being her. She glances at her wrists and looks at the scars. She doesn’t understand her self anymore even Libby.” No one gets me” “I don’t get no one” She watches the two walk off. “There lives are planned out.” “Me… I have Libby and this city.” Carson is caught on a corner playing her acoustic guitar for money. She had to sell her electric to buy food for winter. Libby and she devoured it all. She collects 10.98. Enough for two meals. “One tomorrow another next…” she smiles sharply at the cash.
Carson takes out her notebook and writes “Diamonds && Snow globes
Shatter before you lie.”… “Wow you are an excellent writer.” A random stranger walks by.
“Slipping easy pain in me again and again. Life never gets this bad to me. Life never gets easy for me. It’s like anyone else’s I guess. Mother always knew best. Best to leave her daughter and go away.”
“Another written poem… saddens my thoughts with your emptiness. She said she knew the rest. The rest of the best formed poem of the inside of her heart. Nerveless the thought of him dying lying dead in her arms. Suffocating empty dreams. What’s missing? Me…”
“There are moments when I go insane.” Carson says to her self. “I can’t believe mom left me Carson I can’t believe I am living this way… I can’t look at myself. I have no food. No money no help. All I have is this knife and these notes of music. All I need is to be found. Who am I? Why am I here? Whets the point of my life but to hurt and struggle… is this what god had planned for me?” she turns inside her coat and falls asleep under a bridge.
The morning sun rises, Carson twitches her eyes open. A single crow stands near her. Looking at her as if he knows something she doesn’t. “Go away!” Carson yells at the crow throwing a rock at it. Carson stands up, brushes off her hair and starts walking downstream. Libby told her she would meet her somewhere in the other town. Carson approaches a family with a tent and a campsite. She walks by faster and they just look at her and stare. Carson stops for a moment and keeps walking. She stumbles on a tree root sticking up from the ground. Carson falls to the ground, her small body aches from days without food. She starts to hear a radio playing Green Day. She hears a phone ringing. She starts to walk faster to the noises. She looks to her left and sees a green backpack. She thinks it was the campers from ahead. She runs and takes the bag. She runs to a close by tree, as she sits the phone falls out and she looks at it. 119 minutes left. “Goddammit!” Carson whispers. She opens the bag more and finds a radio. She smiles sharply. “Finally music is back to me.” Again she whispers to herself. She turns and looks at the campers. She looks back to the items she longed for. She stands up and walks slowly away. As she walks along the cold stream she looks down at her arms. The scars stay in place. She looks at her arms again. Carson realizes only that she needs more pain. More pain to hide her self. As she walks into town she sees a bar. Carson walks into it. She sees an older man sitting the bar reading the Sunday paper. “Oh… Sunday, I didn’t know it was Sunday.” Carson thinks. She then sees a waitress by the counter cleaning off a table. And two other teenage boys sitting at the arcade. Carson was at least 15 and the two boys were looked like they were at least 13 or 14. Carson walks over to them and says hello. They both look at her like she was a ghost. Carson turns away and walks into a bathroom. Taking out her razor she tries’s to cut at her arm. She looks away and stops. She decides to cut her hair. Making choppy swift movements. As the hair falls into the sink she starts to go crazy with the razor. Her arm forces her to chop harder. The razor hitting her face leaving her flesh opens. Her feature looks different. She seems depressed more than she did. Carson’s head down to the sink. She lets the water run and lifts her face to the mirror. In disgust, she screams at her cut up face. She falls to the corner but picks herself up. Carson walks out of the bar through the back of the room. She takes her hood over her face and walks through town not letting people look at her. A cop drives by trying to peer at her. She lifts her hood down further into her face. People walking by her don’t even notice her. She walks slower through the crowds. She finds a place to sit.
It becomes darker. Carson wakes up to see it is 7:48pm. She reads a sign that says welcome to Halls Peak Mountain. Carson remembers the night before when she cut all her hair off. The hair that saved her from another trip to the hospital.
“Leave me bleed a
Foolish
Revenge and
We’ll die
Along with
All your friends......”
Carson thinks in her head. She can’t stop thinking of it. She picks up her belongings. She takes her guitar and looks at it and her green back pack, she thinks about them. “These bags are too heavy.” Carson takes out the phone and radio. She throws the bag aside and puts the two in her guitar pack. “Ah that feels great.” Carson sounding relieved. She starts walking with her guitar swinging. She starts to walk slower, thinking of all the things she has done in the past 3 weeks. She remembers Libby running away from their drug dealer. She remembers her mom leaving her. She remembers them living in the subway. She remembers herself traveling for days with nothing but her knife. The silver knife that she drags across her wrists everyday. The one thing she lives for, pain. “Daddy always said you must have pain in life.” Carson pulls back to herself. She walks alone now, down the troubled boulevard. Walking she turns and looks down into the lake. Looking in her reflection she sees nothing. Dead inside remains a decaying soul. Nothing left here now but Carson. This is a story with a terrible ending, nothing we wanted to see.
“One, two, three four….” Hesitantly Carson counts to herself, pulling out more and more money. “8 dollars.” This should be enough. She walks to a nearside curb and buys anything she can find. She saves extra coins for a phone call. She calls a local station and asks for the way to the city Libby is in.
PART TWO
I have horrible intentions, this makes me feel alive for once. Telling you how I deal. This is never good for anyone. I am not sure if I am sane? Am I? Are you?
You never controlled yourself. You never will!! You can’t only your soul can. Your intentions only can. Nothing else in the world revolves around you except for your own time.
Another knife in my arm.
More scissors in my eyes
Another brick in my throat, another prick
Oh I will grope.
More blood for you
More for me!
Scream at these days as I drown in you.
There’s no way out for you. Never will be. A dear friend of mine tells me a story of a rat. Leaving a bucket and lighting it on fire, the rat becomes helpless. You are the helpless rat. I was the helpless rat. You have no way out. You will suffer. Suffer the strife for freedom. The knife you use will rebel against you. The razor you dig with will dig deeper. The knife will keep rebelling leading on to the razor. Which the razor shall lead to the finest death. I am the worst. Dead inside. Dead alive? Yes dead alive we are…
The cold air brushes through her sleeves. The air asking for love and kindness from her. But her not giving. As she walks through the night, she allows herself to be seen, to be shot, to be taken away. As she makes way to her house she finds no reason in her life at all. No reason to live. But a reason to fall. i'm running as fast as i can-
the end of my time is by
i want to live through this
not suffocate through like most people do. As i lay dying in your cold arms
Whisper to me something soft
Your last words will be with me
till the day
the day that i finally pass on by
where it all ends
and my life will finally begin…
Finally she collapses to the ground. Waiting for an answer.
Is there a reason to all this madness? No… not at all. Answers we want answers I want. How did we ever get to be like this? Is it human or is it odd? What are these obsessions we have called? Why do we have them. I can’t even tell. | 
